This blog might represent me as a rather busy mother of four who dabbles in projects here and there. Its hard to represent a fuller self on a single platform. I love being a mother but I also enjoy not being a mother. When you have four kids, especially four very small kids, you do think a lot about what life was like before all the kids, and envy single friends or couples without children immensely.
Truth is I am eternally self-conflicted. The ambitious person in me wants to finish the PhD next year, wants to learn to sew immediately so I can stop buying clothes for my fast-growing girls, to master difficult recipes, to read every single interesting thing that is to read out there, and the list goes on. But I have to give four little ones attention. Four little pair of eyes look at me everyday, asking, “Mummy what are we doing today? Are you going to play with me?”
And I totally don’t feel satisfied after a good day’s work of taking care of them. I still need to fulfil that ambitious side of me and instead of getting a good night’s rest, I start doing my own things. The past week I’m in deep discussion with my friends over the madness that has been the funeral service of our former PM. Then when I have filled to the brim my sense of self, I go to bed, only to wake up 3 or 4 hours later.
There are days I do just collapse in bed because its been a thoroughly long day with the girls. Instead of feeling rested, I feel I wasted it. I could have used those hours for something else productive.
The control I have over my life slips away when I get up the next morning completely tired and groggy. I don’t really have a solution. I am just discussing how I stay sane. Its totally crazy how mothers juggle everything. I am surprised we have not evolved a few pairs of hands.