2014 to Mar 2016

Time Either Speeds or Suspends

The interesting thing with multiples is how time is compressed – everything happens with them at fast speed and all at the same time.  Before I know it they are a month and a half, and all I remember of the last month and a half was being in a daze.  There is barely enough time to stop and enjoy my newborns.  Every moment is a dash to feed, to change diapers, to pump milk, to eat lunch, to bathe, to launder and it goes on and on and on.  And when time stops for a moment, and everyone is asleep, including the toddler, exhaustion overwhelms you and you succumb to sleepiness only to be awaken in an hour or two by someone’s cry.  I actually get mad at myself for napping because the pain of getting up from sleep is worst than not sleeping.

Some days the sleep deprivation starts taking an emotional toll and you start hallucinating.  Just last week, I had a piercing pain in my back for 4 hours that I admitted myself to the ER.  But once I got to the ER, the pain stopped and the doctor said I was fine and everyone said I was probably just strained and tired.  Some days when I get a bonus hour or two of sleep its like getting eight hours of sleep and you feel refreshed and set to go and anything is possible.  As they get older, the sleep deprivation lessens, and I have a plan to make them sleep through the night once they hit 3 months.

I do get moments with each triplet, though they are extremely brief.  It usually happens when one is awake and the other two is sleeping, and we spend some individual time together singing, talking, or me babywearing them while I do the chores.  Or if my husband is home and he is feeding two and I can play with one.  I think when they have their heads controlled and when they can sit, its a lot easier to play with all three.  But once they get mobile, oh my.  I don’t want to imagine that yet.

Sometimes I want time to speed so that they get older and more sleep, and then I get more sleep and be a better person (I am horrible when I lack sleep).  Sometimes I want time to suspend so that I can cherish my little ones a bit more – gaze at their little hands and their little feet, and nibble their cherubic cheeks.  But I am starting to realise that this is the first time in my life where I truly feel I have no time.  Where my juggling act is finally reaching its limits and yet I keep pushing and pushing and wondering when they are all going to come collapsing.  Motherhood is really one big self-conflict.

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