Since discovering we have triplets, I have been very pessimistic. Its my natural tendency to be a pessimist. Every antenatal visit gives me a stomachache. I fear of having to hear if anyone of my babies are having problems, since the risks of having problems are so high with triplets.
Before I go to bed every night, I say, I hope there is no TTTS. I hope the babies don’t go into super early preterm labor. I hope one or more twin doesn’t vanish. I hope they all survive and are healthy. I think, ponder and mull about this constantly. It absolutely takes all the joy I have out of the pregnancy. I feel I can only feel joyous once I delivered them safe and sound.
I feel completely out of control because I do not know what to expect. And nobody else can give me comfort because nobody else I know have twins or triplets. Nothing from my first pregnancy rang true this time around. Everything is completely different. My gynae is different. My hospital is different. The supplements I eat are different. The feeling of carrying triplets is absolutely different. My general mood is radically different. I guess I do not do so well with different. I had expected a similar pregnancy to the first one.
On top of feeling heavy so early on, I am exhausted from worry too. Writing here helps a little. Talking to my spouse helps some more. Participating in forums with other mothers of triplets also helps. But there’s always a dark thought lingering at the back of my mind, no matter how positively I try to spin things. I always know when I am slightly depressed when the little things that used to bring me joy no longer does.
If there was ever a time to cross my fingers really hard, this is it.