2014 to Mar 2016

Haunted By Pessimism

Since discovering we have triplets, I have been very pessimistic. Its my natural tendency to be a pessimist.  Every antenatal visit gives me a stomachache.  I fear of having to hear if anyone of my babies are having problems, since the risks of having problems are so high with triplets.

Before I go to bed every night, I say, I hope there is no TTTS.  I hope the babies don’t go into super early preterm labor.  I hope one or more twin doesn’t vanish.  I hope they all survive and are healthy.  I think, ponder and mull about this constantly.  It absolutely takes all the joy I have out of the pregnancy.  I feel I can only feel joyous once I delivered them safe and sound.

I feel completely out of control because I do not know what to expect.  And nobody else can give me comfort because nobody else I know have twins or triplets.  Nothing from my first pregnancy rang true this time around.  Everything is completely different.  My gynae is different.  My hospital is different. The supplements I eat are different.  The feeling of carrying triplets is absolutely different.  My general mood is radically different.  I guess I do not do so well with different.  I had expected a similar pregnancy to the first one.

On top of feeling heavy so early on, I am exhausted from worry too.  Writing here helps a little.  Talking to my spouse helps some more.  Participating in forums with other mothers of triplets also helps.  But there’s always a dark thought lingering at the back of my mind, no matter how positively I try to spin things.  I always know when I am slightly depressed when the little things that used to bring me joy no longer does.

If there was ever a time to cross my fingers really hard, this is it.

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